seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
