I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
