yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
