I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
