my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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