So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
