I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
