i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
