True but thats because hes a fetus.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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