drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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