I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
