So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
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