I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
