Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
