thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
