Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
