Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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