I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
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We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
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I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
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