I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
You are the jesus of drinking
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
