First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
