Just fell off a train. Bad.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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