Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
