Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
