This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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