I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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