can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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