Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
