i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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