All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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