I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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