i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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