Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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