I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
