If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Can't talk, ducks in the car
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
