the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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