ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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