last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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