TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I had to cum in my sink.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
