New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
