I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
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