I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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