so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Randomize
