And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
