Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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