I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
