There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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