is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Randomize
