onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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