Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
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