Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
