i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
